Anxiety Therapy Buffalo Amherst WNY | Lesley Martin

Anxiety therapy treatment and counseling services for the Buffalo, Amherst, Williamsville, Tonawanda and WNY areas.

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What NOT to Say to Someone Who Struggles with Anxiety

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Anxiety and the experience of it is a normal, even helpful or adaptive, part of life. Long ago, we developed the ability to feel anxious because it was necessary and advantageous from an evolutional standpoint. It all goes back to“fight or flight”: if a wild animal was about to attack us or the tribe, we would feel a surge of anxiety and stress hormones through our bodies and we would mobilize to either go on the defensive (fight) or run away (flight). If we did not have this mechanism, and instead remained calm in the face of a severe threat, we would not have survived as a species for very long. Anxiety is also a useful motivator to get us to complete important tasks and may even serve as an indicator that we need to pay closer attention to something in our lives. However, most of the threats we face on a daily basis these days are not the life-or-death kind that our ancestors faced. And yet, millions of Americans struggle with anxiety disorders, impacting their daily lives in a variety of ways.

It can be difficult to know when someone is anxious and even more difficult to know what to do or say in an effort to show support. Many of our clients tell us things their families or friends say in an effort to assuage their anxiety that are distinctly unhelpful. Sometimes these statements do more harm than good. Here are a few examples of what NOT to say:

 1. “You just need to calm down.”
Telling someone who’s anxious to “calm down” is like telling someone with epilepsy to “stop seizing.” Your loved one isn’t anxious just because. No one consciously chooses to have an anxiety disorder, and if they were able to control their anxiety, they would. Telling someone to “calm down” invalidates their experience and implies that they are in fact deciding to have anxiety. What would be better, instead, is to simply ask your loved one what you can do to support them. This is a good conversation to have when things are calm and relaxed, rather than springing it on them when they’re in a heightened state of anxiety.
2. “It’s really not a big deal.”
If someone is worrying about something, it’s clearly important to them. It is not your decision what constitutes a “big deal” to someone else. The issue may seem relatively minor to you, but to them, it’s major. Again, it can be helpful to remind yourself that anxiety disorders are not a choice. Sometimes people with anxiety rationally know that their fears are unrealistic or unlikely to occur. However, part of the anxiety disorder is the difficulty stopping or interrupting the anxious and catastrophic thoughts that are arising in the mind. According to HealthyPlace.com, “Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point where it’s the loudest voice in the room, the ONLY one you can hear.” So, instead of weighing in with your opinion on whether your loved one should be anxious about a particular issue, listen to their feelings and concerns in a compassionate and empathic manner.

3. “I know exactly how you feel.”
Unless you yourself have an anxiety disorder, this statement is decidedly unhelpful. The personal experience of struggling with an anxiety disorder is just that, it’s personal. Anxiety can completely take over someone’s life and become a daily struggle. Just because you may have the experience of feeling anxious before a job interview or before meeting someone for the first time, doesn’t mean you can understand what someone struggling with an anxiety disorder is going through. However, although you may not completely understand what your loved one’s experience, you can still be a strong source of support. Perhaps consider educating yourself a bit on anxiety disorders so you can learn more about what it’s like to live with one. When you do speak with your loved one, it may be helpful to tell them that although you don’t really know what it must be like, you care deeply about them and their well-being, and are there if they need support.

4. “You know, you’re right, that could happen.”
Saying anything that feeds into someone’s fears is not helpful. For example, if you have a friend with a phobia of elevators, do not regale them with the tale of how you got stuck in the elevator at work on the 22nd floor. Or tell your spider-phobic partner about the huge daddy long legs you fished out of the shower this morning. This may seem obvious, but sometimes in an effort to connect, we can unfortunately reinforce someone’s fears. What may be more helpful is to make an effort to validate their feelings. Validating someone’s feelings does not mean you agree with them. So, instead of  saying, “You’re right: if you go on that roller coaster, the cart could fall off the tracks,” try a more validating response along the lines of, “It sounds like the idea of going on the roller coaster is making you feel anxious. You’re worried you might fall. This really seems to be upsetting you.”

If you or someone you care about is struggling with anxiety, it doesn’t have to be this way. There is help available! You don’t need to wait one more day to start reducing the anxiety and getting your life back on track. Please give us a call today at (716) 926-6009 or click here.

Are you someone with high-functioning anxiety?

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Anxiety disorders affect 18% of the adult population in the US. That’s over 40 million people. But sometimes anxiety doesn’t look like a classic panic attack or someone who is overtly anxious. Sometimes, it looks calm, put-together, polished. People who have high-functioning anxiety have practiced appearing normal on the outside so no one will know what’s going on underneath the surface. The exterior looks pristine, while inside it’s a mess of racing thoughts and churning feelings.

You may have high-functioning anxiety if:
1. People refer to you (or you refer to yourself) as “Type A”  – a real “Perfectionist” – or “anal retentive.” You obsess, stew, overthink situations. If it can be “just so” or you can “get it right” then the anxiety will calm down … or so you think.
2. You have physical tics that appear to just be “bad habits” like nail biting or picking, hair pulling or chewing, biting your lip, cracking your knuckles. They’re all ways you try to physically mitigate the anxiety you feel.
3. You don’t say no. It’s very anxiety-producing to set a boundary by saying no, so you don’t do it. And you keep piling more on your plate, which makes you more anxious.
4. You act like everything’s “fine.” You’re so good at compartmentalizing your emotions and behaving as though things couldn’t be better… no one would ever know how you really feel inside. You are a master at this, a “next-gen” compartmentalizer.
5. You have a reputation for being logical and rational to a fault. You appear this way because you don’t let others know how you’re actually feeling (it’s that whole compartmentalization thing). The downside of compartmentalizing your feelings to “deal with them later” is that “later” rarely comes. The anxiety and the feelings continue to pile up until it becomes unbearable to manage.
6. You constantly dread being judged as not being good enough. If you’re not able to do everything, then that makes you a bad friend, sister, daughter, wife… and on and on. All those negative messages keep the anxiety going strong.
7. You don’t open up because you worry about being accused of “not getting it” since you seemingly live a normal day-to-day life. As long as you’re still “functioning” your anxiety isn’t a problem, right? You assume it will not be perceived as one since it doesn’t “qualify” in the “normal” sense. So, rather than risk it, you say nothing at all.
8. You don’t sleep (a lot). Your mind is going a mile a minute; you can’t turn it off. You want to sleep, but you can’t. You’re very familiar with being exhausted. It weighs on you: physically, mentally, emotionally. It’s a problem.
9. You think you need to be busy to be happy. These days busyness is considered an achievement, but really, it’s a panacea for the fear of what will happen if you stop. The constant go-go-go and “always having something do” keeps your mind distracted from the underlying anxiety that is ever present.
10. You truly fear letting people down. You put enormous pressure on yourself. That pressure stems ultimately from the fear of not being good enough and the fear that if you don’t hold yourself to a super-high standard, you’ll be letting others down. Which feels intolerable, so you keep pushing every single day.

It doesn’t have to be this way. There is help available. If you are struggling with high-functioning anxiety, or anxiety in general, you may benefit from anxiety counseling. From stress management to anxiety reduction to coping skills, we tailor our treatment to meet your needs. Please don’t wait one more day. Give us a call today at (716) 926-6009 or click here to schedule an appointment.

Are you making your anxiety worse?

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For those who struggle with feeling anxious, many of these unwitting thought patterns are major contributors of the build-up of anxiety. Sometimes, it really is a matter of perspective. Make a point to become mindful of how your thoughts affect your feelings and your actions. Here are some simple ways you could be making your life harder than it needs to be:

1. You take things way too personally.
You’re driving and someone cuts you off. You send a text to your friend and two days go by without a response. Friends get together for dinner without you. You’re offended by a million other things on a daily basis. What causes you to feel this way? You ascribe negative intent to each of these otherwise innocent actions. You take them personally, as if they are happening to you on purpose. And then you feel anxious. What did I do? Is so-and-so mad at me? Why does this keep happening to me?

People who are content and manage stress well do not ask these questions; they don’t feel as if the world is out to get them. They don’t take personally the unintentional actions of others.

2. You think you’re too important.
You have a plan. Your plan revolves around you. You know how you want things to go. And they would go that way, if only everyone else would do what they’re supposed to. It’s kinda like being the star in your own movie. Except you’re the only one who has the script. So others in your life don’t always play along. Plus, they might be following their own scripts. It gets messy, and you feel anxious when things go “off-script.” There’s no denying that every experience you have ever had involves you, usually at the center. But, that doesn’t mean you’re all-important. There are no “supposed-tos” in life. Plans change…on a regular basis. Others are not around to play supporting roles in The Story of Your Life.

So, let go of some of the “shoulds.” Let others be in the spotlight every now and again. Be open to changing your plan, or scrapping it all together. You’ll calm down and feel better.

3. You catastrophize.
You assume the worst possible outcome of a situation. You even plan for it. You have a headache, which means you have brain cancer, so you’ve already identified the top three specialists in your area who treat brain cancer. Your partner forgot to pick up the milk on his way home, so that means he really doesn’t listen to you; he must not love you; you’re gonna have to move out, and how are you going to pay rent? You’ll have to move back in with your parents. In your mind, you’ve already redesigned your childhood bedroom to make it livable. You have plans A, B … all the way to X, Y, Z of what you’ll do “if _____.” You get yourself all worked up over something that has less than a 1% chance of occurring. And then you have to deal with the anxiety that’s caused by obsessing over the thing that isn’t going to happen anyway.
Negative thought patterns like this only create more negativity. Sometimes a headache is just a headache. Sometimes forgotten milk is just a result of being caught up in the daily grind and not a statement on the health of your relationship. Learning how to disengage from the endless cycle of “what ifs” isn’t the easiest, but it’s better than planning how to handle your own demise multiple times a day.

4. Your expectations are unrealistic.
Your loved ones are not mind-readers. Nor are your friends, neighbors, co-workers, doctors or anyone else that you interact with on a daily basis. If you continue to assume that they “should just know” what you need, what you want, or what you expect without you ever having to communicate it to them, you will continue to be disappointed. Repeatedly. Unmet expectations, lack of communication and assumptions made based upon both these two account for most of the unhappiness in your life. Create realistic expectations, communicate them and observe how much smoother your life becomes. And notice how much better you feel.

5. You spend a lot of time waiting for a sign.
You struggle to make a decision until you have the perfect sign… from the universe, from God, from your loved one in the great beyond. Only sometimes the sign doesn’t come and the opportunity passes you by. Or maybe it really did come, and you didn’t recognize it, and then you spin off into that whole anxiety cycle of dissecting every single event in your life over the past week where you could’ve missed the sign, and what could it have been. Sometimes waiting for a sign is just another way to avoid making a decision, and it can be paralyzing. Have you ever heard that God helps those who help themselves? I’m not knocking that fate or a higher power plays a role in our lives; I believe that it absolutely does. I’m just suggesting that it’s better to help mold fate than be controlled by it.

6. You’re afraid of taking a risk.
Remember that movie Dead Poets Society with Robin Williams? “Carpe Diem! Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.” Seize the Day: Words to live by. Seize each day, each moment, each opportunity. Live boldly. We can’t rewind the clock, and don’t often get second chances. Life is too unpredictable to constantly be asking yourself, “what if?” Every time you are offered an opportunity try to meet it openly. If you have a chance to take a risk, take it. It’s better to take a risk and lose something than regret the things you didn’t do. And who knows, you may even gain something! No risk = no reward.

 7. Your life is a story in which you constantly compare yourself to others and come up short.
Your best friend has a nicer house. Your sibling has a better body. Your neighbor’s garden is a horticultural feat to be reckoned with. Your co-worker has a better car, better wardrobe, better spouse… Do you see the danger in constantly comparing yourself to others? It leaves you feeling less than. No matter how great things are going for you, when you play the comparison game, you will always find reasons to come up short and reinforce that you are not good enough. Stop it! Most of the time it’s like trying to compare apples and oranges anyway. As Steven Furtick said, “the reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” If you really want to gauge your progress, look at where you are now, as opposed to where you were 3, 6, 12 months ago. Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, or who has what. Look at how much has changed in your life. Did you even realize you accomplished all that in those few months? Feel better? I thought so.
8. You don’t value your time.
You take numerous precautions to safeguard your assets: your home, your family, your money. You have plans in place to protect them should something happen to you, insurance against some unforeseen disaster. But how many of you safeguard your time? One of my mentors once said, “we all have all the time there is.” No one gets any more hours in a day than anyone else. You can always make more money. But once thing you can’t make more of is time itself. It’s a fixed commodity. 24 hours. That’s it. So invest it wisely. Look for areas where you’re just giving it away– to selfish, egotistical or arrogant people who don’t appreciate you. Look for where it’s being drained– time spent with negative people who bring you down or just keep going on endlessly about the same old thing. Look for the ways you waste your time– on social media, watching mindless tv, arguing with your partner because you’re bored. Your time is yours alone. Treat it like the precious asset it is. Guard it closely and give it only to those people who truly deserve and respect it.

9. You can’t or won’t let go.
Are you holding onto something or someone that’s long gone? Do you need to forgive a loved one? Or yourself? (It’s often ourselves that we need to let off the hook before we can move forward.) Or maybe you’ve stayed in an unhealthy relationship for far too long and it’s time to cut your losses. Maybe someone close to you died and you haven’t been able to come to terms with their passing. The refusal to let go creates a lot of stress. Unprocessed grief masquerades as anxiety. To feel better, you have to remember that birth and death are flip sides of the coin called Life. Therefore, life and loss are inextricably linked. If we haven’t lost or grieved, we haven’t truly lived. Letting go isn’t easy, not by any means. But it is necessary. You may have heard that “there’s no weakness in forgiveness” and that’s true. It takes immense courage to face our losses, grieve them and move on. In doing so, we open ourselves up to the possibility of strength, growth, empathy, joy. As Ernest Hemingway once said, “the world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” So, you’re not alone in your loss. Risk letting go, and reach out for support when you need to.

10. You don’t invest in your community or give back.
A little over a year ago, I was at my local community market picking up a coffee on my way to work. A contractor was also getting his coffee at the same time. We chatted about the unseasonably warm weather. I finished stirring in the cream and went to the register to pay. When I got there, the cashier informed me that my coffee had already been paid for by the gentleman (the contractor) who cashed out before me. I still smile when I think about that small, yet significant gesture. It made my day! One of the best ways to feel better about yourself and your life is to so something to help someone else. Make someone else smile and try not to smile yourself. I dare you. Joy is contagious. So get out there, people! Pay it forward. Do good. Volunteer. Get involved in life. It doesn’t have to be anything major. It’s okay to start small. Next time you’re picking up coffee, pick it up for the person behind you in line. It’s $3 and you’ll be feeling good all day. You’ll also have an active part in helping them feel good too!

In the words of the Buddha, “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the single candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

If you’re struggling with anxiety and feel you may benefit from further assistance and support beyond these 10 tips, please contact us here. We’d really love to help!

Mindfulness For Stress-Relief: Part 5

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Simple Mindfulness Practices For Lowering Anxiety and Reducing Stress – Part 5
By Lesley A. Martin, MA, LMHC, NCC, Google+

This is the final part of our series on mindful practices for stress-relief. As you now know,  mindfulness is bringing one’s attention and focus into the present moment with an attitude of openness and non-judgment. In Part 1 we learned how the practice of mindful breathing can help reduced stress and lower anxiety.  In Part 2 we practiced becoming aware of the present moment. In Part 3 we experiemented with the red light meditation. And in Part 4 we invited you to explore the mindful body scan.

Our final practice is BRINGING MINDFULNESS TO A DAILY ACTIVITY

The activity itself can be anything, like doing the dishes, brushing your teeth or taking a walk in the woods. It doesn’t matter what the activity is, just pick one thing that you can commit to bringing conscious awareness to as you’re doing it. Make it a goal to stay present with your experience throughout the task.

How it works: Once you’ve decided on which activity to focus on, do exactly that. Focus on it. What are the sensations that are present when you’re engaged in the task? Notice what you can see. Have you ever really noticed those things before? What can you feel in your body as you perform this daily task? What can you hear, smell, taste, touch? Remember, there is no right or wrong way to do this. You’re just noticing, without needing to judge or change the experience!

Why do it: Bringing conscious awareness to daily tasks is a great way to practice mindfulness! For most of us, we are going to be doing them anyway, so we might as well use the opportunity to become more present. It’s a way to engage more fully with our daily experience, and at times it may be more interesting or fun than just going through the motions. It also can help shift the attention to the activity itself, and the body’s experience of it, rather than focusing on the stress generated by mundane tasks. Try it and see for yourself!

We hope you have enjoyed learning some of these mindfulness for stress-relief practices.
If you missed any of the previous posts, you can find them here:
Part 1          Part 2          Part 3          Part 4

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